As Mary Alice Young from Desparate Housewives said "Some things are easier said than done".  My reality is that I know I should not eat as much or stick to the rabbit food, but I just can't do it.  I mean, come on, I eat what the kids do during the day its basically mac and cheese and then at night I want something a bit more adult and I don't want just plain lettuce and cheese.  Besides, by the time I get the kids fed and then bathed, it is 8pm and I want a couple of hours to unwind.  If I have to cook some gourmet organic meal, then I can't and I would rather be fat.  Also, with me going back to work, there is even going to be less time for me to cut up vegetables.

 On that note, today I spent some time updating my resume.  I can't believe that there is this huge gap and I don't know that I am going to be able to tell someone that I spent my time honing my skills.  I also think it may be hard that I am looking at going back into marketing, and I think that most of my competition is going to be 10 years younger than me and will not have kids.

Don't think this is a sudden awareness, I have tried to lose weight before and as you can tell, it never has worked out for me.  The first time I tried to lose the extra tonnage was with the old standard,  Weight Watchers.  After 4 weeks of cheating and hiding points, then skipping meetings because of the guilt, my little idea lost steam and then I quitely gave it up.  I then tried the new wave Atkins diet, but after eating bacon and sausage for 2 weeks, I had gained 3 lbs. and felt like I was covered in grease.  i also think that my stomach cramped the entire time! 

The worst was in 2004 when I went to LA Weight Loss.  I thought I would simply go and check it out.  There was a location a couple of blocks away in a strip center that I passed on the way to Emily's school.  One afternoon I stopped in, and then they took me to a back office, where the next thing I know, I started bawling like a baby and I was signed up for six months of buying protein bars.  I hid the receipt and the boxes of bars in the back of the mini van and hid the credit card bills for six months from Danny because I was ashamed. 

As I sit here at my desk, I can look over at my bookshelf and I count at least a dozen diet books.  I don't think I have read any of them beyond the third chapter.  2 of them I have never even opened.  Like I started with, it is not like I don't know what to do, I just don't know how to do it with kids, a real life, and no desire to get crazy about my diet.