Today I’m really hungry. That’s just the human body I guess. Some days I feel like I have plenty of food and other days it is torture. On a scale of 1 to 10, we’re somewhere in the middle today. It’s not hours in the Iron Maiden, but it is still uncomfortable. Right now I am half way through a four day stretch of all Noah, all the time. Usually his dad has him for a few hours here and there but not so this week. For some reason I am feeling really starved for adult contact these last few days and no matter what Noah and I do, it just isn’t that much fun. With that tremendous guilt riding on my shoulders, I admit I find myself wishing I were doing something else other than spending time with him. Let me rephrase that, I wish Noah and I were going through the events of our day with a few more adults around. It wouldn’t feel so isolating. I would even like it if I had time to read a book or work on my dissertation. That would be a relief. I cringe even writing that. Today has been particularly rough post-nap. Noah has been hyper and will not stop talking. Not that talking is bad, but what I hear is similar to the following exchange:

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.”
“Yes, Noah I hear you.”
“I’m jumping, I’m jumping, jump, jump, jump, jump.”
“Noah stop jumping on the couch please.”
“…jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.”
“Noah, stop.”
(stops jumping and follows me around the kitchen)
“…jump, jump, jump, jump”
(I try distraction)
“Hey, who’s Jabba the Hut, you or me? You or me? You or me? Is Jabba a frog? He’s a crazy frog guy! Ahhhhhhhh! Crazy frog guy is after me. Mommy, look at crazy frog guy. Mommy? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy...”

It is so much more annoying than this but I cannot find the words to describe it. It can make minutes feel like hours.

I try to keep us busy, which as my JC counselor says often tells me, is the key to success. Keep your mind off food and on other activities. So, today, early I might add, we packed up and went to hike a mighty picturesque trail right by the cliffs overlooking the ocean. It wasn’t too cold, the trail was interesting and easy for Noah to navigate, but I still couldn’t keep my mind off food. At JC I am often told that when I think about food I am not really hungry. I am feeling another emotion that I am trying to mollify with food. My counselor pressed me for information. Was I angry? Frustrated? Bored? I hate to say this but sometimes a banana is just a banana, you know? In other words, maybe I’m hungry because I am on an unsatisfying 1200 calorie diet and no amount of vegetable stir-fry is going to help that. God knows I have tried. Honestly, I have tried to step back and psychologically assess the situation as unbiasedly as I can. Yes, I am bored and frustrated. But that seems to be my usual Modus Operandi. Nothing out of the ordinary here. I called a girl friend of mine who is moving to Manhattan to come over and keep me company and say goodbye after the hike. She stopped by for a few hours and as she talked I felt jittery and distracted. I couldn’t get my mind off food! All I could think about was when I could get something meaty in my system to kill that feeling of my stomach digesting itself. I can’t make the feeling go away with salad or vegetable. I have officially reached my vegetable threshold. I hope tomorrow is better.