Day 36

I have tried to capitalize on some short-term motivators while I attempt to make it a full month on this diet. My hours at the gym are really helpful in this regard. Other skinny, super toned bodies are motivators. Watching MTV videos with the air-brushed, big hair, bling-bling girls while running on the treadmill is also very effective. The music is fast and energizes me, plus I am extra inspired (more provoked really) by comparing my own cellulite riddled thighs to the smooth, firm, dancing machine that is Shakira. Oh, and Beyonce. booty or no booty, that woman is seriously buff . Not a dimple in sight. For a brief moment, I feel sucked into the video world and a few more miles on level 10 is noooooooo problem. In my head I am singing “oh yeah, I’m hot. Watch me jog.” For a few fleeting moments I trick myself long enough to get a whole workout in. Unfortunately, it’s when I see myself in the locker room mirror that I come crashing down to reality.

Honestly, just showing up at the gym is motivation. If I can get myself through the door of the gym, I figure, I’m there so I might as well spend a long time and get a full workout. I am inspired by the others around me who are also trying look like Shakira, Beyonce or Christina Aguilera. It’s so funny to see all the TV screens on the women’s’ treadmills set to MTV. Just witnessing other members show up and try to achieve the same results I am feels like the comradely I need even if we never speak to each other.

Aside from beating myself up about my lack of motivation, I feel pretty proud of myself overall. I would like to comment on some of the positive gains that I have made in the program. First of all, I am amazed, not even proud, amazed, that I even can get myself to walk into a gym almost everyday. I have never done that in my life. Not even close. I spent most of high school and college drinking and smoking two and a half packs of Camel filters a day. I laughed at the other students that got up at 5am for crew practice. I would have laughed at myself now. Of course, I also didn’t realize how much work it would take to keep my weight down and my metabolism up at 35 years old. So, in general, exercise is a new concept.

Another major hurdle for me utilizing the gym itself. Big gyms with equipment scare me. I used to be terrified to workout in front of anyone, always afraid I would look like a fool and that other people could tell I was a novice and were laughing at me. I was much too embarrassed to ask anyone how to use the machines. As you can see I have some paranoia issues.

But when it came down to it, it really bothered me that I was afraid of something so benign that apparently, lots of people do every day. I really forced myself. I asked people at the info desk (should be renamed non-info desk) about how to work particularly intimidating pieces of intimidating equipment, I have set up a personal training session to show me how too use all the machines correctly for a full body weight workout, and I have faithfully gone to said gym 6 times a week, pretty consistently. I am proud of this. I might have a long way to go, but I am still damn proud.