October 20, 2006
Day 82

It is so hot in SF today! I’m dying. The stifling heat in my room makes it hard to concentrate on my writing. Or perhaps it is because I went to Jenny Craig this morning to get weighed and I gained 1.4 pounds. I’m so frustrated! It doesn’t help that the JC counselor that I have is suspiciously silent whenever I gain weight. I already feel ashamed and like a loser for going up instead of down, but could you try to be supportive?? It’s not like I’m not giving my all.

About four days ago, I threw out my back somehow and have been hobbling about ever since. Forget exercise, I am having serious trouble even sleeping. I told my counselor that I haven’t been able to get to the gym more than once this week and I suspect this has something to do with it-well, that and my best friend’s birthday last Saturday which ended with a $315.00 restaurant bill and many empty plates. The melted Brie was almost worth my dietary fall from grace. Almost. But now I’m a little mad. I mean, ok I understand I fell off the wagon for one meal. But we’re talking one meal here! I have stuck to the diet every other day this week. Do I deserve to gain 1.5 pounds from one meal and a lack of exercise for four days? It seems unfair and metabolically impossible. But apparently, it is far from impossible. How as I going to make it on maintenance?

I shared my concern with my counselor and she went through the usual list of ways to avoid eating foods you don’t want to and quelling the desire for food. It is her attitude that bothers me. She’s a perfectly nice person, sort of, but she doesn’t give me the validation I need. I need her to say, “Yes, this is difficult. Yes, keeping it off will be really hard. But you can do it!” I feel a little support emanating from her but it is usually after she has parted with another deafening silence of disappointment. Also, just sympathize a little more. It would not kill her to admit dieting is hard. When I mentioned to her about my friend’s struggle with maintenance, she questioned whether or not she was really following the maintenance program and then said it was “odd” that maintenance was hard for her! Can you believe it? Of course it’s hard you nitwit! If it were easy everyone would be skinny, grocery stores would be selling weight gain pills and fast food/candy companies would be out of business. Companies that manufacture junk that make it easy to gain weight are working hard at making sure we are inundated by their products. We are doing just as much hard work trying to resist them, ok? So give me a break, sister!