Well, I'm Disappointed

Submitted by L_ANSARI on Wed, 11/29/2006 - 5:14am.

Day 120
Nov. 28th

You know, there are some days (or some weeks) when it is just too exhausting to do anything but eat, sleep some and run around like crazy after your kid. I am having such a week. I am actually having a hard time remembering what it is that is keeping me so busy! It seems like there is never enough time. Since my fiancé moved in, it has been a nonstop flurry of activity. Unpacking boxes, getting furniture, organizing and living life with my three year old has taken up much of our lives. We have been going to bed at 2am almost every night. Ok, last night it was 3am. The point is that there has been little room for exercise and my diet has suffered as well.

I found myself infuriated today because I was late to pick up my son and couldn’t figure out why. Something you should know about me is that I hate being disorganized and am NEVER late. I’m always freakishly early for everything. Since having a son, a divorce and a custody fight under my belt in the last three years, my world has been one of extreme chaos and upheaval. Basically, no one knows what the H*** is going on from moment to moment and life is completely disorganized no matter how much I try to arrange it nicely. Today I reached my threshold after waking up late and running 30 minutes late for everything else throughout the day. I freaked out and started driving a little crazy for a few blocks in an effort to make a 25 minute trip take 10 minutes, you know, bending the laws of physics. My poor fiancé wore a look of extreme wide-eyed terror for a brief few seconds and then went into crisis counselor mode. I could actually see the transformation take place during the few furtive glances I stole at him while dodging pedestrians and driving on the sidewalk (kidding). He calmed me down with that soothing, mono-toned voice he has mastered. Dating me is sometimes an exercise in anxiety management and redirection. I relaxed in his capable hands and then admitted that I am overwhelmed and disappointed in myself. What used to be a strict routine has fallen apart. I haven’t worked out for a week, I have gone on and off my diet probably 20 times, and there is no structure to my days. We talked and figured out a schedule but I was really disappointed in my inability to be organized and determined to stick to my routines. UGH.