September 10, 2007
The fact is this is about more than my disappointment to my body’s response to a diet plan. This is about my battle with aging. Frankly, I am not taking it well. I wonder if it is normal sometimes, the way I expect myself to look and feel like I did when I was 25 (or, I am embarrassed to say, younger). Does anyone else feel this way? It never ceases to surprise me when I attempt something I did regularly in my youth and I can’t do it or I am a wreck the next day. It doesn’t matter much what it is. Sometimes it’s just a little thing. My balance for example. I could easily perform simple gymnastic feats in college. For example, I could be just messing around and almost pull myself up into a handstand on the banister of a staircase. It was easy. Just messing around. Now I practically fall over standing in the grocery store looking at a box of cereal. To be honest, sometimes I do fall over. What is that?!?! A few months ago I got on the swing next to my son. I pumped my legs to go faster in an attempt to gain enough momentum to jump off, something I used to love to do as a kid. But after a few times swinging back and forth, I got so dizzy and nauseous I had to stop.
September 8, 2006
I spoke to my friend about my frustrations about my change resistant body. She is also on JC and a good support for me. Her results have been phenomenal and she has committed a good year to the program, so I consider her to be a good resource. She empathized with my complaints but her comments to me were a bit different than the Jenny Craig counselor. She suggested that it might be too early to tell what is genetics and what isn’t.
“Just stay with the program. You need to give it a good year. Commit to the diet and exercise routine and then make determinations then. It takes more than a month and a half for your body to change.”
September 7, 2006
“It’s a process” I’ve heard said over and over to me. Actually, that might have been referring to managing the highs and lows of my portfolio, but no matter, it works for dieting as well. It’s a benign saying meant to calm the dieter, lull him/her into a sense of security that if they doing what they are doing eventually their bodies will transform. I agree with this phrase. IT is a process. Bu that doesn’t stop me from being irritated and frankly p@*!ssed off beyond all reason.
Just a few days ago I had been so happy. I was down to 133.6 pounds and had surpassed my goal weight. My Jenny Craig counselor was shocked. There was much rejoicing. At the same time I was frustrated by the way my body has been responding. I realize I am older and diet and exercise won’t get me the same results as when I was 25. But seeing the proof in pictures is disheartening. More then disheartening. The word is devastating.
I have tried to capitalize on some short-term motivators while I attempt to make it a full month on this diet. My hours at the gym are really helpful in this regard. Other skinny, super toned bodies are motivators. Watching MTV videos with the air-brushed, big hair, bling-bling girls while running on the treadmill is also very effective. The music is fast and energizes me, plus I am extra inspired (more provoked really) by comparing my own cellulite riddled thighs to the smooth, firm, dancing machine that is Shakira. Oh, and Beyonce. booty or no booty, that woman is seriously buff . Not a dimple in sight. For a brief moment, I feel sucked into the video world and a few more miles on level 10 is noooooooo problem. In my head I am singing “oh yeah, I’m hot. Watch me jog.” For a few fleeting moments I trick myself long enough to get a whole workout in. Unfortunately, it’s when I see myself in the locker room mirror that I come crashing down to reality.
What motivates a person to stay committed to their diet plan? I have been thinking about this a lot the last few days. It has definitely been a touchy issue during my weekly weigh in appointments at Jenny Craig. I know what I want and what I want is to hit 126 pounds. Right now I am hovering at 136. At the same time, even though I know I want it, I can’t seem to maintain the level of fierce determination necessary to achieve this. Bottom line, I cheat or have cheated every two weeks on pretty much any diet I am on. I guess my JC counselor has noticed that as soon as I approach 136/137 I seem to bounce back up a few pounds. She has confronted me about this and admitted to me that she felt my determination was lacking. I realize this and it frustrates me to no end.
Today I’m really hungry. That’s just the human body I guess. Some days I feel like I have plenty of food and other days it is torture. On a scale of 1 to 10, we’re somewhere in the middle today. It’s not hours in the Iron Maiden, but it is still uncomfortable. Right now I am half way through a four day stretch of all Noah, all the time. Usually his dad has him for a few hours here and there but not so this week. For some reason I am feeling really starved for adult contact these last few days and no matter what Noah and I do, it just isn’t that much fun. With that tremendous guilt riding on my shoulders, I admit I find myself wishing I were doing something else other than spending time with him. Let me rephrase that, I wish Noah and I were going through the events of our day with a few more adults around. It wouldn’t feel so isolating. I would even like it if I had time to read a book or work on my dissertation. That would be a relief. I cringe even writing that. Today has been particularly rough post-nap. Noah has been hyper and will not stop talking. Not that talking is bad, but what I hear is similar to the following exchange:
I am going crazy today. What is it about the human mind that makes it possible to be utterly committed to turning over a new leaf on one day and than chuck it all the next day? On Tuesday, San Francisco experienced one of those tragic events that puts your life and priorities in perspective. Some random ordinary Joe lost his ever-loving mind and started running down people all over the city, with carnage focused in my general neighborhood. Just moments before walking into the gym like I do every single day, deranged lunatic X ran down a pedestrian on the sidewalk right by the front door. As I approached the entrance, I saw groups of people talking excitedly and blood on the sidewalk carelessly covered up with a white sheet. There was a mangled bicycle a few feet away. I listened to the stories being passed around. My friend at the newspaper called me worried. A the gym I worked out harder than usual in the event I might have to take evasive action, pick up Noah and throw ourselves out of the way of some psycho.
As the title suggests, I have issues. Let me preface this by saying that I truly believe I am easy person to get along with. I smile, I’m friendly, I swear to God. But for some reason I get JC counselors who try my patience. I started out with one fairly benign girl who left pretty early on in my diet experience and now I have a woman who bears a disturbing resemblance to my 6th grade teacher. Reader be warned, I am about to get a little nasty.
So, the first JC counselor was nice enough, but Lord help her, she wasn’t very smart. Here is an example for you. One day I explain to JC representative X that I have IBS and I take medication 4 times a day. I told her the doctor provided me with a list of foods that irritate my system and generally make the problem worse (i.e. causes more pain) I explained that this might be a problem with the Jenny Craig diet and we could work together to figure out basically how to deal with the IBS restrictions while also staying close to the JC diet. She seemed confused and I explained it to her a few more times. I broke it down for her as simply as I could- raw vegetables and fruit=pain. Also, tomatoes, onions and garlic, no matter how they are prepared, were proposed to cause problems. As eating raw salads and vegetables and Italian entrees are a major part of the diet, I was concerned. She was very focused and made lots of notes on her JC pad. Then she excused herself to discuss the problem with another JC consultant. When she returned, she looked at me seriously and said “well, if you can’t eat raw apples, then you should eat them with a spoon.” I kid you not. She actually said this. Sure lady, and sucking a milkshake through my nose makes it calorie free, right. I tried to reason with her (eating a raw apple with a spoon is still raw, no?) but she looked at me with a blank, glazed look. I considered shaking her to reset whatever had gone on “tilt” in her brain. Jenny Craig consultant X wasn’t working there the next week.
Within a few hours of leaving the San Francisco airport, I successfully destroyed my diet. I really can’t blame United Airlines. I was just looking for an excuse and a weekend trip away was perfect. Now I am frustrated and angry with myself, the “low will power, easily distracted from diet” self. I don’t even want to get on the scale because I fear it. Besides, I already know what it will say (after it laughs and taunts me of course). I can see that I have gained weight. When I break a diet, man, I break it all the way. I break it in style. I go all out. On Saturday night during an impromptu trip to the beach, I consumed the following in a five-hour stretch:
Right now I have a headache. I blame United Airlines and their new “you aren’t allowed to bring anything on our planes” policy. I am preparing to go back east for the weekend and because of the new regulations for carry-on travel, this is proving a big pain in the a@!. It is less than Jenny Craig friendly as well. Typically, I travel pretty light. I only use a carry-on with some clothes, much needed prescription medications, and a few make-up and hair care products. With the “no liquids” policy in effect, I have to cut out some lip-glosses, mascara, moisturizer, hair gel, yadda, yadda, yadda. That’s no big deal. But now, I can’t bring on JC either. So many things qualify as liquids that you wouldn’t normally think about. Jenny Craig dressing is out. So are soups, diet coke and water (guess that one is obvious), and yogurt. The list goes on. It sucks because on a five hour flight it is going to be impossible to not eat and I was counting on the JC snacks, diet Coke and diet yogurt to save me from the temptation of plane food. That sort of sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? Tempting plane food? Any way, I can always try to buy some food at a JC in Maryland or Virginia but that is so much more inconvenient than bringing it myself.